18 May 2013

To YOU I shall return

I was having sort of a middle-age crisis (not even sure if the term is appropriate). More accurately I was lost. I got so bored (not fed-up) with life. I went to work early in the morning and get back home, showered, had simple dinner, switched on my laptop and started lying on my bed, watching movies and drama series until I doze off. Basically that was my life cycle and over time, I started to feel like a loser.

I tried to do charity work. It was only once, and it was sooo last year. I went to shop with a few orphans for Eid. Still it didn’t give make me content because I was just a volunteer, not the major donor. I still want to do charity work, because I believe reaching out to needy people will make my life content. However, my greater challenge is my laziness. I can’t drag myself to any orphanage to lend my small hands. On weekend, I would be severely dehydrated if I don’t go back to my hometown.

I was thinking of making my life fun, like saving RM2 every day, so I could go to facial, or mani-padi session once a month. I thought it would be perfect ways to bust away my boredom. I was wrong again. Therefore I switched, from going to pamper myself with beauty sessions; I decided to pamper my tummy. There’s still something missing inside me. Especially when people start to boycott McDonald’s and I opted for Burger King; people boycott Starbucks and I chose Coffee Beans.

I started to become depress. I told myself; maybe I should spend my money on good books to cheer me up. I started to think of Cecilia Ahern, Jodi Picoult and anything published by Little Black Dress. I bought several without even giving a second thought. However, those books I bought, their first few pages were not that interesting. I switched again to self-help books. I proudly bring back those books to show my dad, hoping he would pat my back and say, “My big girl, I’m really proud of you!” I was wrong. All my dad said, “That’s good that you begin to read again, but wouldn’t it be better if you could invest in spiritual books, on how to get closer to Allah, how to become a better servant? I would really suggest you to go and find a book tittled ‘Aqidatun Najin’ by Noraine Abu.”

The week after, I bought the book. However, I have difficulties understanding the old text, the way they put their words, it sounds ancient. I complained to my dad, and he suggested me to bring that book, so he could help me understanding it. I did, and it surely helped.

Knowing myself quite well, I started to listen to a few ceramahs by Ustaz Don. He has amazing way delivering his ceramah and he really helps to know Rasulullah better. It hit me real hard when he mentioned about one of the prophet’s saying, “Umatku umpama kelkatu mengelilingi api. Aku pegang baju mereka dan berkata, jangan bertindak begitu, kamu akan terjatuh ke dalam api itu. Ikut lah begini, maka kamu selamat. Jangan jatuh dalam api itu. Tapi kamu tergamak menepis tangan aku yg memegang baju mu dan memilih untuk jatuh ke dalam api itu.”

It come to the thinking, how hard it was for Rasulullah to deliver Islam. He was brutally tortured at Thaif, and Jibrael asked if Rasulullah want Him to lift a hill and hit those people who tortured Rasulullah. With mercy, Rasulullah replied, “No, they don’t know anything.” But we, who have Islam in easiest way, hardly appreciate what we have.

I also read Asma’ blog and found her sister’s amazing video. I was really touch by her narration especially the part she said “From depression I began to wonder, what  is the purpose of my existence, if I’m going to die someday, why do I even need to live? My answer came through a book, a book that I have long abandoned. Could it be even though I h ad given up on God, He never gave up on me.

I am full of flaws. Even though I had read Aqidatun Najin, I still signed up for dancercise class. Alhamdulillah, I went to Korea, a land which taught me hundreds things and opened my eyes real wide. Returning home, I thought I would not go to the dancing class in that particular month because I would have difficulties catching up with work and class. I thought of rejoining the month after. However I came to thinking, Maghrib is almost at 7:30pm, and the trainer cannot tolerate to start a little late, even at 8:15pm. Why should I try too hard to meet the trainer’s call and ignore Allah’s call? So I quit. I switch from dancing to something more meaningful. I will share that later. ^___^


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